in every heart, there is a room
a sanctuary, safe and strong
to heal the wounds of lovers past
until a new one comes along
i spoke to you in cautious tones
you answered me with no pretense
and still i feel i said too much
my silence is my self defense
and every time i've held a rose
it seems i only felt the thorns
and so it goes, and so it goes
and so will you soon, i suppose
but if my silence made you leave
then that would be my worst mistake
so i will share this room with you
and you can have this heart to break
and this is why my eyes are closed
it's just as well, for all i've seen
and so it goes, and so it goes
and you're the only one who knows
so i would choose to be with you
that's if the choice were mine to make
but you can make decisions, too
and you can have this heart to break
....and so it goes, and so it goes
and you're the only one who knows.
i'm thinking that my high school self would be outright ashamed by the person i've become. but i was pretty lame in high school.
it's been a big semester.
i don't even know that i have much to say... i just felt like i should write.
for the first time in my life, i walked out of my apartment every day this semester completely confident in not only my abilities, but in the knowledge that others shared that confidence (and that if they didn't, it was only a matter of time). every day, i discovered a little more about myself-- my values, my beliefs, my priorities.
and you know what? i can have it all. i can have my cake and eat it too. i'm not sure what i want to do with my life yet, but i can guarantee you i'm making a huge fucking mark. i'm gonna be somebody.
i'm through with playing by the rules and taking the safe route. fuck it, man; we're only young once. we gotta fuck up while we still have the chance, 'cause if not now... when?
so i'm living unapologetically. risks are a necessity. life's too short to be prudent.
and so far, so good. i'm getting so much more out of daily life just by actually letting myself experience it, instead of worrying about the consequences. thornton wilder would be hella-proud.
and hey, if britney can have her comeback... well then, anything's possible.
memories are completely subjective. what i remember is what i felt, what i heard, what i saw. and memories can be faulty, too. how many times have i forgotten my dreams upon waking, or to call someone, go somewhere, do something?
they subtly change history.
not on a 1984, big brother scale. more like a personal history. kind of like a story that becomes more and more embellished every time you tell it. i mean, they have no substance, memories. they only exist if i want them to. what i remember about last night, last week, last month, last year... that could be completely false. clouded by my own perceptions and afterthoughts. if i recount it enough times, to myself or to others, does it become reality? does someone else begin to recall it that way, too? maybe it's a matter of persuasion. or what we want to believe.
either way, memories are unreliable. they're not hard evidence of the past, just vague images floating somewhere in the back of my head. as each day passes, the memory of it fades until i have to strain to remember. in that straining, what is actually recalled, and what is fabricated in order to fill in the gaps? and what gets to be deemed important enough to remember? how is that decided? i suppose most of my seemingly important-- or, rather, vivid-- memories are associated with strong emotion-- sadness, elation, anger, whatever. for me, emotions act almost as a filter... heightening certain aspects of my day, downplaying others. when i'm pissed, i focus on being pissed. when i'm euphoric, nothing can bring me down. doesn't that also cloud my memory, barring it from any degree of objectivity? how accurate is the picture of my life that i have drawn in my mind? how accurate is... anything?
on a completely different note, i feel kind of guilty. i bullshitted my way through high school, and i'm bullshitting my way through college. i can get by on minimal effort. not that i hand in crappy papers or just pass my tests... it's just that writing comes so naturally to me, i barely have to work at it. and i can study for an hour and still get a B. i turned in an article this semester that i thought was absolute crap, and my professor gave me an A minus. maybe i'm just harder on myself than i should be, but i deserved a C at best. it was average. just because i can string together coherent thoughts does not mean i shouldn't be pushed to do MORE.
all my friends are working their asses off just to pass their classes. granted, most of them are science majors. bio. did i take the easy way out by studying something that i love? sure, i could have pursued science (cosmology fascinates me), but it would have been a challenge. one that i may not have been able to rise to. english i can handle. i was challenged in brit lit and morrison & wilson-- i almost lost my footing in brit lit, actually. i had to work harder than i did in high school, but i loved it. morrison & wilson... i kicked that class' ass. and i felt good knowing that i put so much into my monster research paper and did so well on it. but i still feel like i have it so easy. and if i'm still excelling while in this lazy mindset, i can't help but think-- what could i do if i gave just a little bit more? but then, why should i? i'm satisfied with my academics, and i'm not stressing over my classes. sure, there's the occasional night of anxiety, but it always ends up all right. or better than all right.
at this point, i've got to get up for badminton in about seven hours, so i think i'm going to call it a night. thanks for reading, anonymous cyberfolk.
i'm at learning services for writing consultant walk-in hours... i had one paper to look over, and the kid didn't really need to have someone look at it. it was well-organized, with very few grammatical errors. i have about 15 mins of my shift left.
in short, i'm bored.
i could be doing work for intro to pro writing... but i also have all day tomorrow. well, from noonish until 6pm. i think that's enough time to get it done.
basically, i've been stalking people on facebook and dragging up old memories that should just stay buried.
i hate that i grew so far away from people that were my best friends in middle school. and i don't mean that as an all-encompassing statement. i still talk to sara on a weekly basis... she's honestly been there with me through it all. and i don't wish i was still close to everyone. there are just a few people that i really miss.
i guess it's mostly my fault for not staying in touch. i think i tried; i don't really remember. eighth grade-- freshman year, even-- feels like a century ago. i don't think that sustaining friendships was really high on my list of priorities. i wasn't really old enough to have a sense of who i was... i thought i did.
this is pretty incoherent.
this past weekend was great-- going to ny for the night was honestly just what i needed. it took my mind off of what seemed like a snowballing workload and i had a lot of fun. i didn't realize how much i missed cj until i saw him. i kind of loved his friends and his dorm haha. i kind of anticipated an awkwardness that didn't happen? i don't know. i'm so glad i went, though.
i also love taking trains... there's just something so inherently romantic about them. maybe romantic isn't the right word. i can't really explain it?
myy shift's over. no one reads this, but i needed to just... type.
pretty sure no one reads this, buuut i feel like writing.
i'm trying out this new thing where i'm NOT a huge bitch to everyone...it's working out quite well :P
i'm finally myself again, too. i mean, i was last semester, mostly. but this time last year...i don't know who that was. i was so scared about college...about what people would think of me and the impression i'd make...i think i chose to be defensive instead of open. that wasn't so much a good idea.
honestly, the peer mentor program changed my life. i've never felt more at home, or more loved...or more confident. that's a large part of it; i have this newfound sense of confidence. and i've started caring more about how i look-- wearing my hair in more than one way, saving the tshirts & sweats for jammies...that's another source of confidence, i guess.
i'm just really, really happy. my classes this semester aren't even bad in terms of timing or workload, so that'll give me plenty of room for campus involvement. i almost regret that i went home so much last year, because it ended up being a hindrance to feeling at home. i mean, that still happened-- etown is most definitely my home-- but it took a lot longer than it could have.
this year is going to be fantastic.
it's already moving too fast.
sooo pretty much no one reads this anymore? but i figured i'd post this anyway.
as most of you know, i've spent the last week at etown, training to be a Peer Mentor. hands down, it was quite possibly the greatest experience of my life. and certainly life-changing. i find it absolutely ridiculous in an awesome way that last saturday, i pulled up to the quads not knowing anyone extremely well, and now i have 40 or so new friends. and close friends, at that.
i really can't explain to anyone who hasn't been there just how crazy and amazing this past week has been, or how deep my ties to the PMs run. i just...really, really love etown. it's actually shocking to think about myself this time last year.
i'd expand a bit more, but i'm serrrriously WIPED. i hope i see all of you soon bc i kinda miss you :-P
in closing, my life is fucking awesomeeee :-D